Please Let Us Survive

You rarely hear the stories of the women who “might not” or “almost don’t” survive pregnancy (also called a “near miss” pregnancy) . At least I hadn’t. Maternal death or close calls seemed archaic- something that you only heard about happening decades or longer ago.

But no. It happens more often than you think. And once I was diagnosed with Accreta, I/we had to face conversations, planning and decisions that I never imagined.

No one can ever tell you what it’s like to prepare to welcome a baby to the world, while simultaneously discussing your best chances for survival.

We met with different doctors. Heard different opinions and perspectives. Debated different strategies, contemplating different possible outcomes.

They ranged from having me deliver a little bit later- 36/37 weeks, to earlier- 34 weeks. Or if it was unplanned but necessary, delivering at whatever point it became medically necessary (i.e. if I hemorrhaged again).

The whole thing was calculated based on the best case chance of survival for me, and the most optimal gestational age for our baby.

As I shared in an earlier blog post- the major concern and risk with Accreta, was that I would bleed out. That my placenta would be so far entrenched into the wall of my uterus and invade my bladder, causing catastrophic, uncontrollable blood flow + loss when the team attempted to remove it.

It was decided that 34 weeks was our target. My husband and I were told that if I could stay pregnant until then, that babies delivered at 34 weeks do very well- likely NICU time and breathing assistance, but not as risky as any earlier points. And at 34 weeks, they thought they could surgically remove the placenta with the best outcome for me.

The catch was- they would need to remove my uterus and tubes for me to survive. That meant losing my fertility and any future children.

It was a heartbreaking, devastating decision. But one there was no question we had to make. (“Healthy mom, healthy baby”…deal with the rest later).

Once the decision was made to proceed- cesarean hysterectomy at 34 weeks…we waited.

I can’t fully articulate what that waiting felt like. An eternity.

Friends prayed with and for me. I received blessed holy medals and prayer shawls. Inspirational books. A cross necklace.

While I filled my days with as much distraction as I could…the reality is that Accreta forced me to face my own mortality for the first real time in my life.

I woke up and my first thought was wondering if I would survive. I went to bed pleading with God to let me and my baby live. I had knots and pits in my stomach during the day when I thought about what Baby and I were up against and what we had to get through.

I watched videos of our toddler son, sobbing as I smiled through my tears at his silly laughs or expressions. I was terrified I wouldn’t make it and would leave him and my husband alone. I never in a million years expected to be pregnant, and having to think about what would happen if I didn’t survive the delivery. You plan for nursery designs and baby names..not what your last words to your family should be “just in case”.

As you know..I did survive. I am so unbelievably grateful for that.

I am part of several Accreta support groups. We cheer each other on, ask each other questions. Share success stories. And we have had one too many Accreta “sisters” who post in our group one day, and are gone the next. It’s traumatic. And triggering. But our group has rallied around the surviving families to lift them up in those dark moments.

And the best times- those are when a fellow Accreta mama goes dark..then comes back and posts that she and baby made it. And we all comment with excited “welcome to the survivor side!” messages.

Accreta is just one of many pregnancy conditions that can lead to maternal death, antepartum experiences, NICU stays and other complications. There are far too many women across the globe praying for survival.

These days…I find myself saying at work, at events, when I see family and friends “I’m glad to be here” or “I’m so glad to see you.” And at one time..those words were as authentic but casual as they typically sound.

But after Accreta…I’ve never meant those words more. I AM so glad to be HERE. And I will endlessly be so very thankful to see you all.

https://www.preventaccreta.org